You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
