It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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