The maid of honor just puked.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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