I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
