Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
operation have a gay friend backfired
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
