What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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