Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize