I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
