He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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