You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
