he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
