My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
