Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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