I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
