Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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