I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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