You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I believe in your delicious
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
