you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
