Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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