i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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