highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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