I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
