He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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