oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
