I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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