i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
And then he peed in my hair
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