Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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