you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize