i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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