never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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