I heard we made out
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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