WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
