This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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