Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
