he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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