you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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