I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize