If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Hippo gnu deer
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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