haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
