that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Randomize
