I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
