I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
