then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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