He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
