True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
