he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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