I think i sorta joined a cult last night
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
