If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Even my vagina gasped.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
