He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
