You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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