I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize