my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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