i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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