i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
