You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
