I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
