He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
