She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize