...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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