Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize