The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
