Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
