youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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